


soap.

by manchestereye (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Best Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Touring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-09-28 11:44:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20425439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/manchestereye
Summary: dan doesn’t expect his first tour with his band to be this chaotic, but life finds a way to surprise him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi jfc i wanted to continue writing but i’m tired so i’ll upload more later.
> 
> title is an as it is song, and it vaguely inspired this story

there’s nothing more cathartic than an angry scream after shit happens or doesn’t happen. dan howell knows that very well when he opens his phone first thing on a tuesday morning. he wakes up to an empty notification center, and no text from his girlfriend. 

they had gotten into a nasty fight, and dan wanted to give her some space before talking to her. it’d been a week now, and dan was starting to get frustrated about it. so he screamed. no one was around, so it was perfectly fine.

or, well, he thought no one was around. a few minutes pass by, and one of dan’s band mates, pj liguori comes running into the tour bus. 

“what happened?” he asks. 

dan sighs. “she won’t talk to me. jesus christ, i’m tired of all of this drama between us.”

pj doesn’t really do anything, he’s not really sure how to comfort dan. 

“just don’t damage your vocals. we have a show tonight.” he gets up and leaves dan to collect his thoughts.

being on tour and trying to juggle a relationship has been difficult, and dan had to find that out the hard way. dan offered for cara to come along, but she said no right off the bat. he thought everything would be fine with the two of them, as they’d been together since high school. sure, she had her ticks but dan had to get past that in order to make it work. cara didn’t feel the same, she wanted dan to go to university (even though he was happy being the lead vocalist in interactive introverts), and didn’t make time for him anymore. dan texts cara, despite his conscience telling him not to, that it’ll be fine, and tells her that they need a break. 

they’re in tucson, according to google maps. it’s the third day of tour. dan figures that the band’s stopped for gas and food, and that they will be on their way soon. he shoots a good morning text to the band’s group chat, before getting ready and heading out to find the rest of his bandmates. 

phil lester, the bassist, he’s the first one dan could spot in the fast food restaurant. phil waves at him frantically, and the frown on dan’s face quickly turns into a smile as he walks over to the table.

“i got you your favorite.” phil says, even though his mouth is full. 

dan takes the sandwich out of phil’s hand and sits in front of him. “you didn’t have to, but thanks.”

phil waves him off. “we’re best friends, dan. i’ll buy you as many sandwiches as you want.”

dan laughs at that. he takes one of the fries sitting on phil’s tray and throws it at him. phil throws it back. 

they met around the same time that dan started going out with cara, about seven years ago. phil was new at school, and dan recognized him as the neighbor who blasted muse and fall out boy at 2 in the morning. they shared math class together, but dan never had the guts to talk to him. 

dan finally got around to talking to him when he passed by the music room and saw him eating lunch in their alone. it started off awkward, but when dan saw phil’s temporary tattoo of some muse lyrics they finally hit it off and started being friends. 

he didn’t really have any other friends other than cara before he met phil, and even then, cara didn’t really seem like a friend (more like an acquaintance). they got together solely because cara kissed him one night and dan thought that’s how it was supposed to go. 

four years ago, when phil suggested that they should start a band together, dan was extremely happy. it was two in the morning, and phil had come over to cheer dan up from another fight with cara. they watched shitty horror movies and played video games while listening to emo music, and it was one of the best nights of dan’s life.

-

_ “we should start a band together.” phil says, as they finish singing teenagers by my chemical romance at the top of their lungs. _

_ “i sound like a fucking walrus, but okay!” dan laughs. _

_ phil shoves him off of his bed. “i’m being serious! pj and chris from down the street are good at guitar and drums! you have the voice of an angel.” _

_ dan laughs even louder. “what would we even call the band? we’d just be a bunch of awkward introverts making music and interacting with fans.” _

_ he gasps. “that’s it!” _

_ dan looks at him skeptically. “what, awkward introverts?” _

_ “no, silly!” phil’s beaming. “interactive introverts! we’re interacting with fans by playing shows and making music!” _

_ “you’re so silly,” dan scoffs. “but interactive introverts it is!” _

-

“what are you thinking of?” phil asks curiously.

dan looks back at him. “reminiscing over when we came up with the idea for this band.”

phil’s laughing, with his tongue in his teeth. “you’re such a sap. now go finish your sandwich.”

dan takes a bite out of the sandwich and flips him off when he sees chris, the drummer, in the background taking a creepshot. 

pj’s walking over to their table soon enough.

“time’s up, lovebirds. we gotta check into the hotel.” pj laughs. 

they dispose of their garbage before walking back to the bus. phil’s holding dan’s hand, which he doesn’t mind. dan thinks it’s kind of stupid that hand holding is only seen as purely romantic, because holding hands is fun and it eases his anxiety.

phil lets go of his hand when they get there, but they don’t separate. instead, he sits next to dan in the lounge. 

“how are things going with cara?” phil asks. 

“terrible. she still won’t talk to me. it’s stressing me out, so i asked for a break. i think it’ll help me relax for the rest of the tour.” dan says.

“it would be better for you to talk in person about this. it’s good that you’re putting yourself first.”

dan puts his head on phil’s shoulder. “cara hates it when i do that. when she does it, it’s “mental health,” but when i do it, it’s “being selfish.” he laughs bitterly.

“cara’s always a bitch.” phil says. dan punches his arm, and he laughs.

dan’s never really offended with these kinds of jokes, because in all honesty, they’re true. he just doesn’t want to admit it out loud, because of how long they’ve been together. that’s pretty much the only reason he’s still with her, despite falling out of love. he has some hope that things would change with the help of a break.

he opens his phone, and he sees a string of angry texts from cara. 

_ you’re breaking up with me over this? i didn’t do anything, you’re overreacting. _

_ answer me, you can’t possibly be this busy right now. _

_ jesus christ, dan. i have work later, sometime this millenium would be nice. _

phil looks over and winces. “those don’t look like fun messages to receive. i thought you said it was a break, not a break up?”

dan huffs. “she’s the kind of person to assume a break is always a break up. you know her.”

the screen lights up again. 

“i’ll let you answer those privately.” phil says, getting up from the couch and heading back to the bunks with chris and pj.

_ oh, so now you’re reading these and not responding? how classy. talk to me already. _

dan texts her back, filled with rage.

_ god, i said i wanted a break, not a break UP. and you’re one to say something when you didn’t even talk to me last week, when my meds ran out. shows how much you really care. _

he waits a minute before she texts back.

_ you think i’m that self-centered and that i don’t care! i stay up late wishing you were here, even though it’s bad for me! _

dan scoffs. he’s upset, and he doesn’t have patience anymore.

_ i’m done with this for now. we will talk more when i get back to seattle. _

he doesn’t want to be stressed for the rest of tour. he’s been stressed since before the start, and it’s not good for him at all. there’s a week left, he should make the most out of it. dan quickly turns on hide alerts for cara’s number and scrolls through instagram, liking some fan art.

phil comes running into the lounge again, holding his sticker-clad macbook.

“you’re going to fall over and break your limbs if you keep running while the bus is moving.” dan laughs, looking up from his phone.

phil motions for him to scoot over, and he sits down next to dan again. “shut up, i want you to see this.”

it’s a video of someone lifting a blanket up and down in front of a dog before they disappear and the dog is humping said blanket. 

dan laughs loudly at that, quickly forgetting the anger that encompassed him just moments ago. phil continues to scroll through reddit and tumblr, and dan just curls up next to him watching phil look at the funny memes.

dan’s never questioned his sexuality before, and he would always say that sexuality doesn’t matter and if he fell in love with someone that wasn’t a girl, it wouldn’t be a big deal for him. he definitely doesn’t mind being with phil if things ever got to that point, because of how they know each other well. besides, nothing would have to change between them except for kisses and sex. 

there’s definitely a rule out there saying that dan probably shouldn’t think about his best friend when things are rough with a girlfriend, but dan doesn’t really give a fuck. 

he first had a crush on him two years ago. it was a thursday, and it was the night dan got fired from his job. cara screamed at him, telling him that the band wouldn’t support the both of them and that he was stupid to fuck up this well paying job. despite having already moved in with cara about twenty minutes away from phil’s flat and late at night, he drives there anyways.

dan doesn’t know what it is phil was talking about at the time, but dan was lying on his shoulder, and he felt happier with phil than he did with cara. he didn’t do anything about it though, because he assumed it was just because of the fighting. 

he eventually realized that wasn’t the case, and pushed it down because him and cara were doing well and not having fights at that time. things started going downhill again a few months ago.

cara’s never liked phil all that much, jealous that dan would rather spend time with him than with her. phil’s always treated him better than she did, and he knew that. he knows that he has to break up with her soon if things are getting this heated, but he doesn’t really have anywhere else to stay if he did. his parents wouldn’t want him back at their place, they’ve probably turned his old room into an art studio already. 

-

they get to their hotel soon enough, and dan plugs in his phone to the wall before hopping into the shower. he’s too tall for tour bus showers, as discovered on the first night of tour. he had to wear a plaster for two nights after that.

when he gets out of the shower, he could hear knocking on the door. he’s not dressed yet, but he knows that it’s just his band mates or a tour manager, so a towel will suffice. 

it’s phil who’s on the other side of the door. 

“oh, hi. just took a shower. come in.”

he steps aside to let him into the room before he heads back into the bathroom to get dressed. 

when he steps out again, phil’s flipping through the tv channels. he turns it off when he sees dan though.

“what’s up?” dan asks.

“just wanted to hang out with you before we get thrust into the show tonight.” phil moves his arm through his hand, and dan scrunches his face.

“firstly, never say thrust and do that hand motion ever again. second, it’s fine, i have nothing else to do.”

they hang out, watch a few episodes of an anime together before their manager tyler knocks on the door.

“oh, thank goodness phil’s here. come on, let’s go.” tyler says. “pj and chris have already loaded into the bus again.”

phil shuts his laptop and follows dan out. 

-

the rest of the day goes well. they met most of the fans before the show, and dan cried when someone asked him to write a tattoo of one of his lyrics. the show goes even better.

the band performs their popular songs, and an unreleased one that’s gonna be on their next ep. they’re almost done with writing their debut album, but there were songs that didn’t fit with the theme, so phil suggested to make an ep. dan was automatically on board with that idea, and it’s gonna be released when they get back home.

the unreleased song is about a crush, and dan wrote it the night he knew he liked phil. the lyrics have been revamped a lot, but the message is still the same. dan doesn’t think that phil knows, it would be weird if he did, considering the limbo he’s in with cara. 

dan gives him a slight glance, and phil blushes before looking down at his bass again. dan doesn’t think much of it, and continues with the song. 

-

phil follows dan back to his hotel room that night. 

“you wouldn’t have to follow me back if you hadn’t left your laptop here.” dan says, teasingly.

phil shrugs. “yeah, but i wanted to spend time with you tonight.”

“whatever you say. lemme shower first.” dan says. 

“you shower twice a day, that’s really weird.” phil laughs. 

“i jump around on stage, i have to shower twice or else i smell like a rat. now throw me my clothes.”

phil throws the bundle of clothes sitting on top of dan’s suitcase, and dan’s off to shower again.

when he gets out, phil is sitting on the bed looking through his laptop. 

“you’re back! i was gonna start food wars without you!” phil giggles. 

dan rolls his eyes. “fuck off, no you wouldn’t.”

phil just shoves dan, and they’re watching the show.

it’s three in the morning when they finally look up. 

“dan, it’s late. tyler’s gonna have our heads tomorrow!” phil worries.

dan waves him off. “we have a day off tomorrow, remember? and we can sleep early on the bus driving to vegas tomorrow night.”

“i mean, i guess you’re right, but it would be better for us to sleep now than at six in the morning.” phil gets up from the bed and closes his laptop. 

he’s headed for the door, and dan’s compelled to ask him to stay the night.

“stay with me.”

phil hesitates. “there’s only one bed.”

“like that’s stopped us before.”

phil puts the laptop down and charges it before climbing into the bed with dan. 

-

they’re woken up three hours later by tyler. 

“change of plans, you guys are packing up after breakfast and we’ll be out of here by noon to get to vegas as soon as possible.”

dan’s confused. “wait, what happened?”

“the venue had a bomb threat, we’re going to see if there’s another one for thursday.” 

dan and phil quickly get up, and dan throws an outfit at phil since all of his clothes are in his own hotel room. 

tyler gives him a weird look when phil’s not there.

“we stayed up too late.” dan says. it’s the truth, there’s no point in lying. 

when the whole band finds a table to sit at for breakfast, tyler goes over the itinerary for tonight and tomorrow. the rest of the tour isn’t affected for all they know, but they have to shell out a few hundred bucks to afford some hotel rooms.

“dan and i can share.” phil brings up.

it’s a simple gesture, but dan brightens up at that. 

-

dan and phil sleep through the whole bus ride, because they were up late the night before. 

pj and chris make fun of them for it, and dan flips them off. their tour photographer, connor, takes a few pictures of the band to put on instagram before they all split off to enjoy the rest of their day off while tyler finds some venues on short notice.

“what do you want to do?” phil asks.

“it’s vegas, everything is better in the night time.” dan points out.

“touche, but it’s already 5, so we could get dinner and then hit the club.” 

dan laughs at phil. “hit the club? what are we? eighteen?”

“hey! it’ll be fun!”

the waitress at the diner assumes they’re a couple, and neither dan nor phil have the heart to correct her. nonetheless, it’s a good dinner.

“are you doing alright?” phil asks.

dan shrugs. “i mean, as alright as i can be. kinda wish that my love life blew up in flames after the tour, but there’s nothing i can do.”

“you should order a drink.” phil suggests.

“i thought we were going clubbing.”

phil just smirks. “changed my mind.”

they ordered more than one drink. phil stops after two, but dan keeps going up to four, and phil has to get him out of there. 

“can you stand?” he asks once they’re out. 

phil lets go of dan for a moment, and dan doesn’t fall over, despite his four drinks. 

“i’m calling a cab, there’s no way we can get to the hotel on walking.”

dan whines. “i’m cold.”

phil puts his jacket on dan.

he knows he shouldn’t have drank that much, he’ll have a bad hangover the next morning. but he needed to calm down for once and stop thinking about his relationship with phil. 

during the cab ride, dan holds on to phil’s hand.

“i love you.”

“love you too, dan.” 

they get to the hotel room, and phil orders dan to take a shower before sleeping. phil showers after dan, and when they fall asleep that night, dan subconsciously wraps his arm around phil.

-

vegas isn’t romantic. if dan wanted romantic, he’d go to paris. vegas is lust and sin. 

that’s what he tells himself the next day when he looks over at phil. phil’s sitting at the edge of the bed, looking at him shamefully and asking if he’s okay after what happened last night.

“i’ll be fine, i’ve had hangovers before.” dan grumbles. phil hands him an aspirin and some water.

“i’ll call tyler, see if there are any updates for tonight.” 

tyler says there’s a potential venue, but that he’s not sure they’ll be able to validate the tickets. he tells phil to just chill out in the hotel for a while, and wait for another call.

“do you want breakfast?” dan asks, when phil hangs up.

phil chuckles. “i think i’m the one supposed to be asking you that.”

-

they go to the hotel pool after breakfast. dan and phil are racing each other and having fun when tyler suddenly calls phil’s cellphone.

phil steps out of the pool for a second to go pick up the call, and dan’s leaning on the edge, wondering what’s gonna happen.

“the show’s been cancelled. there’s gonna be refunds.” phil says as he gets back into the pool.

dan pouts. “would’ve loved to perform in vegas tonight.”

“we’ll have our chances.” 

after swimming, they go on a walk around vegas, window shopping and just generally being dorky.

“i think i suit this sombrero.” phil says.

dan cackles. “phil, no!” 

“phil, yes!” he stacks another sombrero on top of it.

dan takes his phone out and starts filming him.

phil’s dancing around the shop, and getting weird looks from the other customers.

“i hate you so much.” phil laughs when he notices the camera pointed at him. 

“you love me.” dan retorts.

“i do.”

phil’s stomach growls, and he puts the hats back. “i think it’s time for lunch now.”

it takes them twenty minutes to agree on a place for lunch, but they finally decide on indian. it reminds dan of high school.

-

_ “i swear, we always spend your paychecks on indian takeaway.” dan laughs. _

_ phil opens a box, and it smells wonderful. “that’s not true, i’ve saved some of them for band equipment.” _

_ “keep telling yourself that, lester.” _

_ phil sticks his tongue out at him, and dan opens another box and stabs a fork into the chicken. _

_ “oi! let me eat too!” _

_ dan feeds the fork to phil, and they’re both giggling messes. _

-

“do you remember when i would always come over for indian takeout?” dan asks when they get back to the hotel room, holding takeout bags.

“you still do that, even up to now.” 

dan pushes phil a little bit. “i meant high school.”

phil looks at him. “what’s the difference between high school and now? we’re still doing what we’ve always done.”

he supposed that phil’s right. things haven’t really changed, except for dan’s hair and the fact that he lives with cara now. 

“you’re right, but i was trying to be a sap again.” dan laughs.

-

they go out again later that night, with pj and chris. they’re going to drink tonight, but dan and phil both decided they don’t want to be dead again the next morning travelling to san francisco. pj and chris don’t listen to them though, they’re enamored with the wild aspect of vegas.

they’re at a club, and pj and chris are grinding on each other. dan’s laughing at them. 

“did you know that whales don’t sneeze underwater?” phil asks.

dan turns to look at him. “why are you asking?”

phil shrugs. “no idea. i’m bored, and i’m upset we didn’t get to perform tonight.”

“it’s so loud, i can barely hear you.” dan yells.

“let’s get out of here.”

“and ditch chris and pj? you must be mad.” dan laughs.

“they’ll live. tyler will find them.”

phil grabs dan’s hand and they walk out of there.

they walk out to an empty parking lot, and dan takes silly pictures of phil.

“i love you.” phil giggles.

“love you more.”

“my turn!” phil takes the phone from dan’s hands and starts taking pictures of him.

“fuck off! knowing you, i look like garbage in those.” 

phil scoffs. “please, my photography skills are wonderful.”

“you took photography seven years ago for two weeks before you dropped it.”

-

they’re on their way back to the hotel. it’s one in the morning. dan’s holding phil’s hand, and they’re walking in a comfortable silence. phil’s a few steps ahead of him though.

phil lets go of dan’s hand. “i have a confession to make.” 

“shoot.” 

phil takes in a deep breath. 

“i’m in love with you.”

dan doesn’t know what to say. so many thoughts are running through his head and he’s in shock.

“please say something.” phil pleads.

“h-how long?” dan stutters.

“high school. it was summer, we sat on the kitchen floor and we were coloring for fun of it.” phil says. he could feel a tear flowing out.

“i-,” dan starts, but phil cuts him off.

“this is literally such a bad thing for me to do right now, but what happens in vegas stays in vegas. dan, i’ve loved you for so long and i know that you love cara but i had to let this out so that i can move on and so that we can continue to be a band without it getting awkward.”

“who said i loved cara?” dan asks.

“i thought you did? you’ve been together for so long even though she’s been so awful.”

dan sighs. “phil, i’ve only been with cara because i thought she was the best i’ll ever get. that shaking things up in my life would end badly.”

“god, phil, i love you just as much, but i didn’t know how to go about it.”


	2. Chapter 2

“really?” phil asks him.

dan stutters a little bit. “yeah, of course. i wouldn’t lie to you about it.”

phil sighs. “wow, okay. i don’t really know what to say. does this change things?”

“it doesn’t have to.”

phil looks at him. “what do you mean?”

“we can still be close, and hold hands.” dan points out.

he shakes his head. “no, i meant like… okay i don’t know what i mean. are we going to date in secret? are you planning to cheat on cara?”

“definitely not. i’m not a monster. we can talk more about this,” dan points to him and phil. “in the future. but for now, i think we should just stay friends. it would be fucked if i broke up with her just to get with you.”

“i get where you’re coming from. thank you for at least listening to me and talking to me about this.” phil says.

“we’re best friends, phil. best friends before anything else.”

they hug each other tightly before walking again..

-

dan and phil get back to the hotel holding hands. dan heads for the shower, and phil says that he’ll just wait for him. 

he pops out of the bathroom with a towel in his hair, trying to make it dry before he straightened it again. dan’s not quite sure why he’s going to straighten his hair again that night, since he’s not leaving the hotel, but it’s normal for him. 

dan doesn’t know if things will ever be “normal,” anymore now that he and phil confessed their love for each other. sure, they’re friends now, but what about after he breaks up with cara? what if phil gets tired of waiting for dan to recover from all of this and wait for the right time? 

what if phil meets someone new?

“i missed seeing your hobbit hair.” phil says when he sees dan remove the towel from his head, shaking him from his thoughts.

he makes a face. “god, i hate this hair.”

phil pouts. “i think you look cute with it. your fans would love it if you started performing with curly hair.”

dan scoffs. “what, and look more of a rat than i already do? no thanks. besides, they’re your fans too.”

he sits on the bed next to phil, and he loads up the next episode of the anime they were last watching together. 

“you’re the lead singer, of course you’ll have more fans than i do.” phil says.

“that’s kinda stupid though. you helped create this band.” dan points out.

phil just pokes at dan’s dimple. “i just like seeing my best friend in the spotlight. now come on, we’ve got an anime to watch.”

-

dan wakes up with a loud camera shutter and his arm around phil’s waist. he figures that it must’ve happened sometime in the middle of the night. when he looks up, he sees that it’s chris and pj.

pj laughs. “i’m posting that on twitter.”

dan flips him off.

“wake up, we’re gonna get breakfast together. i want greasy bacon.” chris whines. he nudges dan’s back.

“alright, we’ll get up. you wake phil up, i’ll get ready.” dan grumbles.

“how are you not hung over?” he asks.

“magic.” chris laughs.

as dan’s in the bathroom changing, he notices the hair straightener off to the side. he thinks about what phil said the night before, and how his fans would appreciate the curly hair. cara would throw a fit, saying that the curly hair looks like he’s not taking anything seriously, but dan doesn’t care about that. 

he throws the hair straightener into his suitcase on the way out of the bathroom, and posts a mirror selfie to his instagram story, captioned “bye bye emo fringe.”

phil compliments him again when he finally gets up and joins him, chris, and pj at the breakfast table again. tyler joins them ten minutes later, going over the itinerary.

“we leave for san fran at noon, but we’ll stop every two hours for food and stretch breaks. dan, cara keeps calling me, you should talk to her. we’ll take some pictures for the band instagram when we get to san fran, and then after that the time is yours.”

dan rolls his eyes and opens his phone to the text messages app. there’s a blue dot next to cara’s name, and dan is dreading to open it. he’s pissed that cara would call tyler to talk to him. he feels like cara’s lost all sense of maturity now.

phil puts his hand on top of dan’s. “hey, you’ll be okay.” 

_ dan, no, i want to talk about this now _

_ you’re hiding something from me _

_ are you cheating on me? _

_ for christ’s sake, are you cheating on me with phil of all people _

_ what do you even see in him _

_ i should’ve made you stay home _

_ don’t lie to me, i’ve seen the pictures on twitter. _

_ i thought you were in love with me, things aren’t supposed to end like this. _

dan answers the texts before he shuts off his phone, and stands up.

_ cara, i told you i will talk to you when the tour is over. please don’t assume anything about these pictures. you know that phil is and has always been my best friend. do not contact my band mates or my manager, this is between the both of us. _

“i’m gonna go for a walk. i’ll be back to pack my things.”

-

dan’s stopped at the street where he and phil were the night before. he’s thinking again. he doesn’t want to think so much. thinking stresses him out. dan wants to break up with cara already, but he’s not going to be the kind of guy that breaks up with a girlfriend over text. 

he sits at the bench close by, and he starts crying. dan starts wondering what happened to the cara he knew before, the one who used to share his interests and liked his curly hair.

maybe he’s romanticizing the old cara, the one from middle school. that’s probably why dan felt like he could make this relationship work. 

dan’s been trying to list all the reasons of why he thought for the longest time that the relationship could work, despite knowing it wouldn’t. that he’s already fallen for someone else. 

he thinks of phil now, and how holding his hand has always felt better, and about how phil just understands him more than cara does. 

speaking of which, phil shows up and sits next to him.

“hey.”

“hi.” dan mumbles.

“there’s five days left. you can get through this. i’m here with you.” 

dan just smiles at him. “thank you.”

-

_ “tyler called me earlier.” phil says.  _

_ dan turns around to see phil holding a giant bowl of popcorn. _

_ “what did he say? are we going on tour?” _

_ phil tries to sound dejected, and sighs. “we’re going on tour.” _

_ he leaps from the couch to hug phil. “are you serious?!” _

_ phil’s nodding excitedly, and dan lets out a scream.  _

_ “dan, we’re not alone in the neighborhood.” phil laughs. _

_ “i don’t care! we’re going on tour!” he’s beaming. _

_ “in three months.”  _

_ “piss off! i’m so happy!” dan laughs. “i’m calling chris and pj, so we could celebrate together.” _

_ “i think that sounds like a good plan.” phil says, with a small laugh as well. _

-

they’re loading things onto the tour bus again. dan and phil surprisingly made it back to the hotel early enough to pack up without getting fined for overstaying, and early enough for them to make sure not to miss the bus.

the whole band, and tyler, are all sitting in the lounge of the bus, singing acoustic covers of their favorite emo songs. dan keeps looking at phil unintentionally during summertime. no one else seems to mind or point it out though.

phil laughs at him with his tongue in his teeth everytime dan catches a glance. 

the bus stops so that they could all take a break and get some food. dan orders food for both him and phil while he goes and finds a table for them.

“do you want to see the golden gate bridge with me before the concert tomorrow?” phil asks when dan sits down.

“of course. why wouldn’t i?” dan asks.

“it’s nothing. i just want to spend time with you.”

dan just shrugs, and they go back to talking about silly things and eating lunch.

the rest of the drive was uneventful. they sleep on and off, phil sends dan some funny memes, and dan writes a song to get rid of his angsty thoughts. 

phil sits next to him and asks if he could hear the song, so dan grabs the guitar from the lounge and plays it for him. 

“it’s not poetic or anything,” dan explains. “i don’t think i’ll ever finish this song and release it, but i wanted to write it just because.” 

“i love it. whatever you decide to do with it, that’s fine. i love your songs.” phil says.

“i love you.” 

“i love you more though.” phil’s smiling widely.

-

they ordered take out and ate in the hotel room instead of dining in that night. this time, it’s thai food. phil’s failing miserably with the chopsticks. dan’s filming it for his insta story.

“you’ve never learned how to use chopsticks properly in the seven years that i’ve known you.” dan laughs.

phil sticks his tongue out. “i have two left hands!”

dan laughs and then puts his phone down before digging into the food.

“chopsticks are so easy, phil, i don’t see how you haven’t learned yet. and i’m the left handed one!” dan says.

“i have no idea.” phil giggles.

“are you excited to play san fran?” he asks, changing the subject.

phil nods. “i mean it’s our first time being here, so yeah. i’ll probably get that feeling for every new city we play. didn’t you hear tyler talking about an east coast tour the other day?”

“probably not. so much has happened this past week. i don’t even remember what i had for breakfast yesterday. did i even eat breakfast yesterday?”

“you did. you had a hangover and you insisted on taking me to breakfast. still don’t understand how you, peej, and chris can have hangovers but still be energetic.” phil points out.

“no idea either, but where would i be without my lovely secretary?” dan giggles.

phil just kicks him. “you’d be dead.”

“fair point.”

they’re quietly eating for a moment when dan suddenly asks something.

“what do you think would’ve happened if i chose to go to uni and not start the band?”

phil puts his chopsticks down.

“i mean, there’s no way to tell for sure, but i think you’d have proposed to cara by now. you’d get a degree in something you hated, and you’d be stuck at some desk job.”

dan thinks about it for a minute. “i mean, you’re not wrong, but jesus christ that sounds sad.”

“i’m happy that you’re not sad then.”

he turns around to see phil’s bright smile.

phil’s infectious smile never fails to make him happy and calm.

-

_ “daniel! you’re leaving me?” cara asks, when he gets back from phil’s place. _

_ dan sighs. “cara, i’m tired. i told you there was going to be a potential tour. our band has gotten some recognition already, and i have the money for it.” _

_ cara shoves him. “you don’t love me enough! i have to do all the work so that we could live comfortably and you’re wasting your life away with this band!” _

_ he’s livid now. “i’m not wasting my life away, i’m having fun. life is about having fun.” _

_ “you’ve had your fun in high school. grow up, dan. you need to go to university so that you can support me. so that i don’t have to do the work.” cara cries. _

_ “the band earns money! we’re not struggling! i quit the job at the retail store because we’re finally earning enough!” _

_ cara slaps him. dan puts his hand against his cheek. _

_ “i’m going to bed. you’ll call the retail store tomorrow morning, or else i’m moving out.” _

_ dan doesn’t call the store in the morning. instead, cara apologizes and tells him that she was just scared that he’ll find someone else on the tour. he doesn’t say anything back to her, and when she leaves to go to work, he’s off to phil’s house again. _

-

they wake up early the next morning to go to the golden gate bridge. it’s cold, dan should’ve known that san fran is colder than the rest of california. it doesn’t matter though, because the moment dan mumbles that he’s cold, phil gives dan his jacket. 

“thank you for taking me here.” dan says quietly.

phil just hugs him tightly around the waist from behind. “of course, dan.”

“i’m breaking up with cara when we get back to seattle.” he doesn’t bother looking at phil.

phil breaks from the hug and puts his hand on dan’s back. “whatever you need to take care of yourself.”

“since i’m breaking up with her, can i stay at your place until i find another apartment of my own?”

he nods at dan, and dan just mumbles another “thank you” before they’re in silence.

pj and chris invited them to explore fisherman’s wharf after they get back from the golden gate bridge. it makes phil think of high school, when they would go to the pike place market every now and then just to have fun with each other. 

they take some whacky selfies and buy souvenirs at the shops. a few fans come up to them and they all take pictures with them before they’re off for lunch. 

phil accidentally spills soup on his pants and dan laughs at him before going off to the bathroom.

dan’s looking at phil for a little bit longer than normal, and pj calls him out on it.

“dude, why are you still with cara if you’re in love with phil?”

dan gives him a glare. “i’m not in love with him.”

chris scoffs. “and i squeeze milk out of my nipples.”

pj kicks chris’s leg.

“ow! i thought we were saying things that aren’t true!” chris complains and rubs his leg.

dan rolls his eyes. “guys, i’m being serious. i am breaking up with cara after tour though. i’m done with the fighting.”

“that’s my man.” pj says, pulling dan into a chokehold and ruffling his hair.

“knock it off, peej. i thought chris was your man.”

“it’s an open relationship.”

dan just laughs at him, and phil comes back a few moments later.

“i don’t even wanna know.”

-

“i wanna come back to san fran one day.” phil says, while they’re getting ready in the dressing room of the venue. dan accidentally pokes himself in the eye doing eyeliner.

“christ, phil, knock first. i mean, we could always ask tyler to book more west coast tours. maybe after out album is released though, it’s expensive to do a tour.” dan says.

phil laughs. “sorry, didn’t mean to. and yeah, santa ana was quite expensive. did we even make any money there?”

“don’t even get me started on santa ana.” dan groans. 

needless to say, they had a flat tire in santa ana and the insurance company was being a jerk about it. the venue overcharged their fans, so they had to make up the difference while refunds where being given. on top of that, chris accidentally lost his access pass, so the security guards didn’t believe him when he said he was part of the band.

“don’t worry,” dan reassures. “i’ll definitely take you to san fran even if we’re not touring.”

-

dan never gets tired of the thrill of performing. even when he was a little kid, singing barbie girl in his living room, he still felt ecstatic singing in front of his family. the aesthetic of the san fran venue reminds him of his living room for some reason. probably the colors. 

his mum actually calls him that night, after the show. dan’s in the dressing room again, just hanging out with phil while chris and pj aren’t done yet. tyler’s off talking to some venue security about who knows what.

“who’s that?” phil asks.

“your mum.”

he just laughs.

“no, it’s my mum. i’m surprised she called.” dan says.

phil gets up. “i’ll let you take it, then.”

“hello?”

“daniel! hi! how are you doing?” his mum’s cheery voice rings through the phone.

“i’m good, thank you. it’s a little bit late for you to call, though.you’re always in bed by nine.” dan points out.

“i just wanted to talk to my baby.” dan’s mum laughs.

they talk for a few more minutes, just catching up. dan’s mum mentions cara, and dan winces.

“are you two not doing well? what happened?”

dan sighs. “she ignored me for a week, and it wasn’t until we got to tucson that i texted her and she acted so dramatic about it. i’m breaking up with her when we get back to seattle.”

his mum goes on a speech about how it’ll be fine, and that they’ve always made it out strong, to which dan cuts her off and tells her that he has to go. dan doesn’t want to be rude about his own mum, but he’s always trusted her on her judgement about cara, and that’s one of the big reasons why he had optimism for so long.

he meets phil back on the bus, and phil’s sitting in the lounge scrolling through tumblr and listening to muse.

“how did it go?” he asks.

dan just flops down onto the couch next to him. “don’t really wanna talk about it. rather be with you and remember tonight’s show.”

phil laughs. “tonight’s show was great, even though i slightly messed up on some of the songs.”

“i’m sure you did great.”

they’re back at the hotel room again, and dan collapses onto the bed.

“you should shower, otherwise you’ll hate yourself in the morning.” phil points out.

dan groans. “i’m so tired though. i had fun, but now i’m tired.”

“fine, i’ll shower then.”

dan fell asleep by the time phil got out of the shower, but instead of waking dan up, phil just curls up next to him.

-

they don’t wake up early, and tyler has to knock four times before dan finally gets up and answers the door.

tyler rolls his eyes. “god, dan, you finally woke up. it’s noon already, i brought you and phil some breakfast since you guys slept in.”

“thanks?” dan says, confused as tyler saunters into the room, putting the plates onto the table in the room.

“okay, so, we leave for sacramento at four, and by the time we get there it’s gonna be time for meet and greet before the show.” 

dan’s not listening, instead sticking a fork into the fluffy pancakes. “tyler oakley, you’re the best damn manager in the world. not a lot of them would bring their talents breakfast.”

“of course. now go wake up your lover and tell him what i just told you so that he’s caught up.”

“he’s not...ah whatever.” tyler’s already left the room before he can finish his sentence, but he wakes phil up anyways.

phil rubs his eyes and puts on his glasses when he gets up. “what time is it?”

“past noon. we slept in. i’m gonna go shower, go enjoy your pancakes.”

he’s out of the shower ten minutes later, giving phil the rundown on what tyler told him. dan soon realizes that phil’s not listening to him though.

“what are you looking at?” dan asks.

“you.”

dan laughs. “that’s gay.”

“only for you.” phil makes a duck face and dan rolls his eyes. 

“are we gonna do anything before we’re off for sacramento?”

dan shakes his head. “we could finish food wars. besides, we explored san fran yesterday.”

“alright.”

-

another tire goes flat on the way to sacramento. the driver says that he was kind of expecting it, considering that they weren’t able to get it into a repair shop back in santa ana. 

dan is in hysterics, freaking out about disappointing the fans. phil tries to hand dan a water bottle, but dan clumsily drops it and makes the carpet wet.

“tyler, what time do you think we’ll be out of here?” pj asks.

“i don’t know, i’m going to have to make some phone calls. if we can try, i might postpone meet and greet until after the show tonight.” tyler says, talking at the speed of light as he pushes the buttons on his phone.

“peej, come with me, let’s help tyler out a little bit.” chris says, and pj follows him to the back.

dan’s managed to calm down a little bit though.

“are you alright now?” phil asks.

dan lays his head on phil’s shoulder. “this tour was gonna be great, and yet awful things still happened.”

“tours aren’t perfect, dan. something always goes wrong.”

dan sighs. “i suppose you’re right. thanks, you always know what to say.”

-

they managed to pull enough strings to get to the venue, albeit late. meet and greet is after the show, instead of before, but they’re prepared to make that sacrifice for their fans.

the fans cheer when the band finally gets onstage. they cheer even louder when dan picks up the microphone.

“sacramento!”


	3. Chapter 3

dan and phil are asleep and cuddling in the lounge later that night. it’s a long way from sacramento to portland, the second to last tour date. dan was too tired to function when meet and greet was over. phil was gonna let dan sleep, but dan didn’t want phil to leave him. phil fell asleep just minutes later, with the relaxed ambience.

it’s half past midnight, pj’s playing one of their songs on the guitar and chris is sitting on the floor in front of him scrolling through his phone. 

“how long do you think it’ll take those two dorks to get together?” chris asks.

pj doesn’t stop playing. “chris, isn’t that a little invasive?”

“you were asking about it yesterday in san fran.” chris points out.

“fair point.” pj sighs. “i think it’ll happen at the end of the year.”

chris scoffs. “nah. i think it’ll happen in like two years.”

there’s a pause between them, as pj continues strumming along.

“remember how long it took you to learn how to play the guitar? now look at you, mediocre.” chris laughs.

pj lightly shoves him. “i’m not mediocre, twat.”

“hmm, yeah, i guess not. you wouldn’t woo anyone with that though.” chris teases.

“i think i’m past the age where i’m gonna woo a potential suitor with a guitar and shit vocals.”

chris laughs, and soon enough they’re off to bed.

-

“glad that you’re awake.” dan says when phil wakes up. dan’s sitting across from him now, scrolling through some fan art and eating breakfast.

phil frowns. “did you guys stop for food and not wake me up?”

“drive thru. here’s yours, greasy.” dan hands him a bag.

phil digs into it, and dan laughs at him. 

“what? i’m hungry!”

dan looks at him. “you have a bottomless pit for a stomach, i’m surprised you’re not a beluga whale.”

phil scrunches his face. “do beluga whales have big stomachs?”

“i have no idea, phil. i’m sleep deprived.” dan sighs.

“you woke up early.” phil points out.

“chris licked me. i’m a light sleeper.”

“oi! what are you saying over there?” chris yells from the other side of the bus.

dan and phil just cackle and ignore him.

“are you excited for portland?” dan asks.

phil’s beaming. “yeah! i haven’t been there since our choir field trip back in sophomore year.”

dan groans and rolls his eyes. “that field trip was awful, they got mad at you for being in my room because they thought we were hooking up with each other.”

“well, yeah, but we snuck away for the most part. i loved it.” he giggles. 

dan laughs softly. “you said you wanted to go to school there because the band wasn’t a thing yet. and because of the shopping complex.”

phil shakes his head. “eugene, not portland. i liked u of o for their trans resources but it was too expensive because it’s out of state. you remember. but also the shopping complex.”

“yeah. you spent the college money on top surgery instead, and it meant that you didn’t have classes to overlap our band rehearsals.” dan mused.

phil goes over to where dan is sitting, and curls up next to him. “it all worked out though.”

-

_ “phil? are you alright?” dan asks when he notices that phil’s staring off into space. the teacher fell asleep, so they’re free to talk in whispers. _

_ they’re sitting together in detention, covered in paint. it was phil’s marvelous idea to paint graffiti onto the wall outside. security caught them, and they got a week’s worth of after school detention and before school cleanup. _

_ dan doesn’t understand why the before school cleanup didn’t suffice. _

_ “not really.” phil admits. _

_ “do you wanna talk about it?” _

_ “kind of.” phil mumbles. _

_ dan turns his chair so that he’s facing phil now.  _

_ “is it about the paint?” he asks. phil shakes his head. _

_ “what is it?”  _

_ phil sighs. “i, just… i don’t know how to tell you.” _

_ dan grabs phil’s hand. “take your time.” _

_ dan and phil hear some ruffling noise, and quickly look to see if the teacher had woken up. he hasn’t, it was a false alarm. _

_ “i wasn’t always phil.” _

_ dan looks at him weirdly. “i mean, a name is a name. you like the name phil and that’s all that matters.” _

_ phil shakes his head. “it wasn’t just that. you remember the pictures of martyn and the little girl sitting in the living room, right?” _

_ dan nods. he can see where it’s going, but he lets phil finish what he’s trying to say. _

_ “i used to be her. like, all the way up until i was ten. i cut my hair out of impulse and destroyed my dresses, but my mum didn’t know what to do about it.” _

_ phil takes a deep breath. “i’m glad she did something about it though, and took me to the doctor.” _

_ phil talks for a little bit more, and dan listens intently. _

_ “i’m glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me about this. don’t worry, i’m not, like, a transphobe, or anything,” dan says. i’m not straight, it would be shit of me to be a transphobe. i mean, i don’t have a label or anything because i’m not like that but like, yeah i realized i wasn’t straight a while ago and didn’t really have any problems with accepting it so i can only imagine how-” _

_ phil cuts off dan’s rambling by giving him a big hug. _

_ he laughs. “we’re covered in paint, doofus.” _

_ “doesn’t matter. let’s get out of here, i don’t wanna sit for another hour.” _

-

they get to portland slightly before noon. it hits dan that there’s only two more nights until he’s back at home and back in reality. phil stops him from overthinking again, by grabbing his hand and dragging him off to their hotel room. 

phil immediately starts jumping up and down like a little child. dan just shakes his head and laughs.

“aren’t you too tall for that? you’re nearly as tall as i am, surprisingly.” he asks.

phil just looks at him. “i’ll probably hit my head sooner or later. then you’ll have to do the rest of the tour without me.”

“there’s not much left though.”

“i guess not.” phil gets off the bed. “what’s the plan for today?”

dan tries to remember what tyler said earlier that morning. “a fancy dinner because tyler knows how to stretch the dollar and afford it, but other than that, i don’t really remember.”

phil shrugs. “it’s a day off anyways.”

“we’ve had too many days off, i still can’t believe vegas got canceled.” dan whines.

“those venues don’t know of our musical genius.”

dan just laughs. “i guess not.”

pj and chris stop by the room half an hour later.

“oh, hey, what’s up?” phil asks.

chris snorts. “can’t we just spend time with our band mates?”

“i think we’ve been spending too much time together to be quite honest.” dan says. chris takes it with a grain of salt and goes into the room anyways. 

-

they just talk to each other and watch funny vine compilations on youtube before heading outside to explore the shopping complex. 

phil and chris put on some funny hats, and dan is cackling.

“the fuck are you wearing, phil?”

phil turns around. “it’s a dinosaur head.”

“you’re too adorable to be a mean and scary dinosaur.” dan laughs.

“chris, do i suit the dinosaur head?” phil asks.

chris gives him a thumbs up. 

“told you.”

dan just sticks his tongue out. phil holds his phone up and takes a picture of him.

he makes a face. “you’re really gonna have my rat face in your phone?”

phil just looks at him. “i always have pictures of you in my phone. you’re very photogenic. and just because you said that, i’m gonna upload it to twitter.”

dan just rolls his eyes. “if you love it so much, why don’t you buy it?”

“i will, thank you very much.”

-

_ “what are you doing here? jesus christ, what happened to your eye?” phil asks. it’s two in the morning, and dan is standing at his door. _

_ “i dunno. cara and i had a fight earlier, she punched me, and i can’t sleep.” he mumbles. _

_ phil steps inside to let him in. “you’re lucky that i’ve got my own apartment now and that we’re not at my parents’ place. they’d have your head.” _

_ “excuse you, kath loves me.” dan retorts. _

_ “she does, but not this late at night. now, tell me what happened.” _

-

“how do i look?” dan asks as phil steps out of the bathroom. his bow tie is a little bit crooked and loose, but other than that, he looks pretty snazzy.

“let me fix your bow tie.”

dan turns to phil so that he can fix it for him. 

“how do you know how to do a perfect bowtie but you can’t even use chopsticks properly?”

phil gives him a glare. “are you still going on about the chopsticks thing?”

dan laughs. “no, i was just trying to be funny.”

when phil’s done with the tie, they both turn to look in the mirror.

“you look good.” phil says. 

“yeah?”

phil just nods at him. 

“thank you. you look just as good. probably better.” dan mumbles. 

he turns to look at phil again, and phil is looking right back at him. 

they’re leaning in closer, staring at each other’s lips, until they suddenly hear the knock on the door. dan steps back, and phil opens the door.

it’s tyler. 

“you know i booked you guys have your own separate rooms, right? you didn’t have to share the whole way through. whatever, it’s too late, since you didn’t check in for it. at least they’ve given us refunds.” tyler points out. 

dan presumes that they must’ve forgotten it was  _ just  _ a vegas thing. dan doesn’t really know what to think about it. he doesn’t bother making eye contact with phil.

he feels awful for leading cara on, and for almost kissing phil. he can’t think, the room feels like it’s on fire. all of his thoughts are jumbled in his head. dan just wants to start over to the time that he started noticing that cara’s changed. he’d break up with her before it turned serious. he’d be with phil without any obstacles. he wants to cry at the thought of being so okay with leaving cara. what happened to him?

they don’t say anything at that, instead just following tyler to head to the fancy restaurant for dinner.

it’s an awkward dinner, the tension is thick enough to cut it with a butcher knife. everyone can see dan and phil avoiding eye contact. dan is barely poking at his food. no one wants to say anything.

phil excuses himself to the bathroom a little bit later. he pretends not to notice the sigh of relief that comes from dan before he walks away.

“what happened?” chris asks.

pj kicks him. “chris, do you have any fucking filter at all?”

“hey! you two, stop it.” tyler snaps. 

“it’s fine, whatever. i don’t wanna talk about it though. we’ll try to sort it out by show time tomorrow night. let’s just enjoy the dinner.”

tyler looks at him skeptically, but doesn’t question it.

when phil comes back, pj asks him about the setlist, in order to relieve the tension. dan just makes it worse and asks to remove the song he wrote about phil.

“dan, are you sure? it’s only two shows left.” tyler asks.

dan nods.

“i don’t think i’ll be able to get through them.

-

“dan, please talk to me.” phil says once they’re back in the room.

“what exactly do you want me to say, phil?”

“i-, i don’t know. i miss my best friend-”

dan scoffs. “whatever this is,” he’s pointing to him and phil again,” this isn’t best friends.”

“dan-”

“best friends don’t hold each other’s hands 24/7 and share the same bed past the age of twelve. best friends don’t confess their love for each other and just pretend that everything is fine.” dan’s trying to hold tears back, and looks away from phil. he’s afraid it’ll make him cry more.

“what are you trying to say?” phil asks.

“cara’s right. i wouldn’t be in love with you if we weren’t as close as we already are.”

phil’s gone livid now. “are you even listening to yourself? ever since tour started, you’ve been saying how you’re going to break up with cara because she treats you horribly, and now you’re saying that she’s  _ right?! _ ”

“even my mother thinks that cara and i are going to be fine! what does that say?” dan shouts.

“she’s your mother! she’s going to be optimistic about whatever you tell her!” phil cries.

there’s a silence between them.

“you haven’t told her about the time cara punched you. no wonder-” phil’s cut off.

“forget me moving into your place. i’m going back to my mum’s after the tour.”

dan grabs his suitcase and starts heading out.

“where are you even going? it’s late.” phil says, through sobs.

dan thinks for a minute. as much as he loves chris and pj, he doesn’t think either of them would help him right now. “tyler’s apartment.”

phil doesn’t say anything after that.

-

“are you okay?” tyler asks.

dan’s face is red and blotchy, and he’s still crying. he tries to wipe his face, but it doesn’t really help since he’s still crying.

“god, no. i don’t know. i think i’ll be fine. we won’t have to go on hiatus. i’m just an awful mess.” dan says.

tyler sits next to him. “i’ll let you talk about it when you’re ready.”

“thank you.”

he calls cara the following morning. surprisingly, there were no more messages from the last time he checked his phone and basically told her to fuck off. 

even more surprising, she’s in a good mood.

“dan?” cara asks when the line beeps.

dan sighs. “yeah. hi. i think we need to break up.”

cara doesn’t say anything for a minute.

“okay.”

that makes dan surprised and suspicious. “what? you’re not gonna put up a fight?”

“no. i’ve been seeing someone else.”

dan sighs. he doesn’t know what to think. “then why have you kept me around?”

cara doesn’t admit anything. 

“i’ll call my mum and have her come around to pick up my things.”

the line goes dead.

dan gets a text from his mum a few hours later telling him that she’s done what he’s asked. it’s not that hard when most of his other things were never brought into cara’s place anyways. they’re collecting dust in the attic, but it’s better than being thrown away because it doesn’t match cara’s design.

he’s in the middle of writing another song, this time about his anger. it’s a basic song, because there’s only so many ways for someone to write a song about anger and cheating before it becomes repetitive. tyler says that phil, chris, and pj have all stopped by the room at least once to check up on him. dan says he doesn’t want to see them.

“are you gonna be okay to perform tonight?” tyler asks. he’s getting ready to go to lunch with the rest of the band. 

“yeah, of course. bring something back for me.” dan mumbles.

“of course, sweetie.”

-

dan doesn’t finish the angry song before call time. he figures it was too ambitious for him to do, but it was a good way for him to get the anger out.

phil tries to speak to him twice before the show, but dan brushes him off both times. 

he tries to lean in close to dan during their performance, just like most of them, but this time dan gives him a quick glare and jerks away. he doesn’t think the fans notice though.

-

_ “put ice on it.” phil directs. dan takes the ice pack from his hand and puts it on his eye. _

_ “are you okay?” he asks. _

_ dan shakes his head. “i just, i didn’t do anything. we’ve just been fighting a lot lately. i want to fix it between us.” _

_ phil looks at him. “dan, are you insane? she punched you!” _

_ “it’s not the first time,” dan shakes his head. “she’s probably just stressed and tired. i don’t think i’m making it any easier.” _

_ “you need to put yourself first.” phil says. _

_ dan doesn’t say anything. it would be selfish of him to put himself first. it’s always been about cara, even in high school. granted, it’s been a while since then, and dan’s realized that maybe he doesn’t love her the way he should, but whatever. _

_ dan just wants to make the people around him happy. _

_ “what are you going to tell people about the bruise?” phil asks. _

_ “nothing. cara has makeup, i can cover up the blackeye. no one needs to know that i’m too weak to defend myself.” dan huffed. _

_ “that’s not,” phil sighs. “okay.” _

_ “let me take a picture of that first, just in case.” _

-

dan sleeps in the next morning. he runs into phil at the breakfast line the next morning, but phil doesn’t even bother talking to him and looks away when they accidentally make eye contact.

he just takes his breakfast up to tyler’s hotel room and eats in silence while he waits for tyler to come back to fill him in on the itinerary. 

it’s a three hour drive back to seattle. they’ll get there at four. they’ll probably just get dinner before meet and greet. the show will go on, and then the tour is over. dan takes a breath of relief at that. as much as dan loves performing and interacting with fans, he needs the time to just calm down and relax.

or, well, try to relax.

the bus ride isn’t really relaxing. phil’s sitting in the lounge, and every time dan wants something, he starts heading into the lounge only to remember that phil’s there. so he’s cooped up in his bunk, with a dead phone and an empty stomach, and no guitar to ease his anxiety. 

dan just sighs and counts from one to one hundred in attempt to fall asleep. he gets to thirty two. 

later, chris wakes him up by putting his hand in a bowl of water. dan just glares at him. 

“you feeling alright?”

dan nods at him.

“i’m sorry for being an ass.” chris says.

dan just smiles at him and puts a hand on his shoulder. “you wouldn’t be chris if you weren’t such an ass. besides, your pranks and your foot in mouth disease aren’t too bad.”

“oi.”

they hug each other, and they head out of the bus to go get some food.

-

pj asks dan if the band is splitting up while they’re sitting at a table separate from tyler, chris, and phil. dan just looks at him and says “of course not.”

“phil said he might be quitting.” pj mentions.

dan pretends it doesn’t hurt. 

“okay.” dan mumbles.

pj gives him a glare. “you find out that your best friend is quitting the band he helped create and all you say is  _ okay?!  _ christ, dan, i don’t know what the hell is going on between you two, but get your shit together. you  _ know _ that the band is nothing without phil.”

pj doesn’t let dan answer, as he rewraps the food he got and takes it with him before going back to the bus. 

dan puts his head in his hands, and hopes that the show will be fine. it’s the last night, it would be fucked if it doesn’t go well.


	4. Chapter 4

“i’m sorry things didn’t work out the way you planned, darling. was the tour fun at least?” dan’s mum asks as she gives him a cup of tea. they’re sitting in the living room, the morning after the tour is finished.

dan shrugs. “it did. it felt great meeting the west coast fans and hanging out with my bandmates on the off days. but other than that, it was tiring, and too much drama happened.”

he’s being a little bit awkward right now, but he doesn’t really mind. dan told himself that he would at least try to talk to his mum more often now that he was out to her and that he was pursuing his passions. they haven’t been close in a long time, but he misses her often. he thinks that living with her again might fix some of that damage, but he doesn’t really know anything about recovery and fixing things.

dan thinks that maybe he should invest in therapy, but therapy is expensive and his health insurance is kind of shit considering that he’s in a small band. it’s not really all that small, considering that they have about 50k followers, but it’s still too small.

“do you want to talk about it?” she asks, looking at him intently.

dan nods. “i mean, cara ignored me for a whole week and then when i finally messaged her she bombarded me with a lot of messages.”

“i don’t really know what i was thinking. i think my thoughts shifted a million times throughout tour.”

his mum puts a hand on his shoulder, and he reaches over to place his own hand on top.

“you loved her, didn’t you? love makes you do crazy things.” she mused.

dan shakes his head. “realized a long time ago that it wasn’t that kind of love, but i did love her platonically. i cared for her a lot.”

“i wish i had been a better mum to you back then. i tried my best, but i don’t think i was ever good enough to actually listen to you about everything going in your head. i feel ashamed that my own son didn’t talk to me.”

“mum, it’s fine. we’re talking now. i moved back in with you, it’ll be harder for us to not talk to each other.” dan says.

she sighs. “i mean your father was extremely distant despite us all living together, so i don’t know. but it means a lot that you’re trying your best, yeah?” he nods to her.

“did something happen between you and the band? i would’ve thought that you would move in with one of them before ever coming back here.” dan’s mum is joking, but dan doesn’t laugh with her.

“stuff with phil, yes. chris and pj are fine but i think i would be more stressed out in their flat. i don’t wanna think about what happens there.” dan grimaces.

as far as dan knows, they don’t really talk about what their relationship is with each other. it’s just a friends with benefits thing. dan doesn’t really want to know anything else.

“phil’s a lovely angel, i remember when he would bring you your homework while you were sick. you never did it, but it was a nice gesture.” she mused.

dan puts his cup of tea down on the coffee table in front of them. he’s been taking sips, but it’s still hot and he doesn’t think he’ll finish drinking it for now.

“he is a lovely angel. i was the one who fucked things up.” dan sighs.

“why don’t you try talking to him again?”

“maybe.”

-

_ “dan? are you alright? what happened to your face?” his mum asks when he sneaks back into the house at seven in the morning. _

_ dan is startled, having thought that she wouldn’t be awake yet. she normally wakes up at eight thirty or nine. _

_ “it’s nothing, i got into a fight, it’s fine. i’m gonna go to bed.” dan mutters, walking away. _

_ “daniel.” _

_ dan turns around. “what?” _

_ she gets angry at that. “you leave for more than twelve hours, come back with a bruise on your face, and have the audacity to answer me like that?” _

_ “it’s just a fight! it’s not like you’ve cared for me before!” dan yells. he’s tired, he doesn’t want to think about it anymore. _

_ he regrets coming home. phil woke him up early just so that he could get back and not give his mum a heart attack, but he wishes he could’ve just stayed curled up next to phil. _

_ dan’s mum sighs and puts her hand on her face. “look, i know that things are hard for you right now and i’m not around but i really do care about you.” _

_ dan wants to cry. “it doesn’t seem like it.” _

_ dan just turns around and heads to his room, to sleep for the rest of the day. he can’t seem to be bothered to go to his shift at the retail store later that evening. he’ll deal with it another time.  _

_ and despite having been up through most of the night, phil tries to call him twice. dan declines both of the calls and says that he’ll call him back later. _

_ when he doesn’t feel like shit and when he sorts everything out.  _

_ maybe he SHOULD move in with cara so that these fights won’t happen anymore, and so that he can avoid his mother. he’s already eighteen, he shouldn’t feel so shitty about living with her. _

-

he’s standing in front of phil’s flat a few nights later. dan figures that he should’ve done this a while ago, but he’s not good at anything emotional. 

he stands there for a good ten minutes before he actually knocks on the door. a disheveled phil with a red and blotchy face appears a few moments later.

“i’ll just come back later.”

dan doesn’t mean to say it out loud, but phil tells him to stay, so it’s not too bad.

when phil shuts the door, dan hugs him. and then dan starts crying himself.

“god, i’m sorry for being such an ass to you. you were right, i just...sometimes i don’t know how to take my foot out of my mouth.”

phil hugs him back and puts his hand in dan’s hair.

“it’s okay...i mean i was kind of an ass to you as well.”

dan just cries even more. “you’re so nice to me, i don’t deserve you as a friend at all.”

“that’s not true, dan.”

“how are you not mad at me?”

“cause i was more mad at myself. hence the crying.”

dan just laughs. “oh, god. we’re idiots.”

“we are, but it’s okay though, because we’re idiots together.” phil giggles.

“definitely.”

there’s a silence between them. dan clears his throat, and they break away from the hug.

“i, uh, broke up with cara. moved back in with my mum.” dan mumbles.

phil gives him a look. “that’s nice. tell karen i say hi.”

“will do.”

dan looks up to phil, and sees phil looking right back at him. they’re leaning in closer, and phil puts a hand on his cheek.

“may i kiss you?”

dan nods, and they finally kiss each other. 

“i’ve been waiting to do that.”

phil chuckles. “me too.”

“i love you.”

“i love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading this! i worked really hard on it :)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you! 
> 
> tumblr: sudden-sky


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